When is this feeling over??
My mother died July 3rd 8:06PM 2000 at Sutter hospital in Sacramento California with my older sister Charlene by her side. It was a warm summer for Portland and the days were getting fewer for me to embrace my mother's death. I was trying like hell not to engage into any feelings about her leaving me with my sperm donor who was completely incapable of being anything close to a parent or a friend. It was the last time I played those songs on my violin. Before then, I had not picked up my instrument in quite sometime. The previous nights I had played many songs as if they were right in front of me but before then, I couldn't really tell you what I had played that brought me joy. the windows were open, the lights in the house were on, Manny was drinking a beer or twenty with the t.v. dumbly playing something sports-like and just as boring and I wasn't feeling very social so I hid in the bedroom singing to myself and playing music. After the montage 'o songs were play I went to the bathroom and took a shower. For some reason I felt like singing some more so I began with something simple, Billie Holiday is my favorite so I usually start with her and work my way around others that I enjoy, East of the Sun. There was a brief moment when you know something isn't right but you ignore it, you think it's just in your head, you think random things just so that you can feel better about yourself and situation.
I heard the phone ring and chose not to ask who it was or what was that or whatever brainless quip running in my preoccupied brain. I just wanted to pretend that everything was going to be alright and that tomorrow will be amazing because it's the 4th of July but nothing was coming for me that wonderful in my busted head. Manny knocked on the door and said my sister Darlene was on the phone for me and it sounds urgent, I replied I'll be there. I remember just wrapping up in a towel trying to rush to hear the news about whatever, whomever, whatever. I sat in this orange chair Manny had that matched the sofa that matched the bamboo wall thing. The t.v. stood at me waiting for my reaction so it could play my horrific face while getting the news," reporting live . . .Robin's Mom just died. Back to you Tom for the weather". Manny sat on the orange sofa looking at me a bit crazy. All I heard was sobbing and I knew, I knew Mom was dead but I didn't want to really believe it, I waited for her to say it. "Mom is gone Robin, she's gone. Did you hear me?! Mom's dead". Before I could think I said, " I'll have to call you back in a minuet, okay", and hung up on her. I felt this amazing breeze past by me and the t.v. turned on, the remote was on the windows ledge opposite of either of us, then I smelled her. I could smell my Mom. The warm summer evening sun, faint smell of cigarettes and perfume with a touch of flowers, held just the right kind of sorrow and bliss. I just started to cry really hard. I didn't care about the t.v. going on by it's self. I didn't care about the remote being on the other side of the room. I didn't care if anyone heard me my mother was gone. He tried his best to console me but he had no frame of reference for dead girlfriends Mom. I cried myself to sleep and woke up early, 9AM to be exact. Manny was in the kitchen, I was looking for the bottle of booze we had because that was going to be my breakfast. I'm sure he asked if I was hungry, I know I ignored him. I stood on that balconey smoking my cigarette drinking vodka and oj. Manny called his mom over to hang out with me so I drank fast so I could meet her with a better face, I drank too much and went to bed. Woke up at noon with a beautiful day outside, music playing joyfully, Manny's Mom in my house and Manny cooking again. After many other not so pleasant events happened, my brother decided to take up drugs and stealing. My little sister began to fade into a statistic. My sperm donor did what he does best . . .nothing. And I come back home with my Mom in my arms with an empty home to go to.
I cry on her birthday, her death day, for holidays, for movies that show me a bit more and more what it's like to not have your mother around, for other people for no reason I cried and cried but I didn't feel any better. I drank and drank but that didn't make me feel better either. I dropped some E, I took a few pills, I tried piercing myself to make other pain stop the initial. Then I just stopped caring. I hated everything and cried. I treated people like shit and cried. I was destructive with myself and cried without really being alone in my head to sort out the crazy. I talked to friends but they had no frame either. I tried to talk to family members but their grief wasn't like mine. I tried to talk to Manny but he just said, " i know your sad but you can't like there all the time. You got to keep going and stop felling sorry for yourself, would your mother want that", charmer. I never really got to get it out.
It will be 11years on July 3rd PM 2011. I live in Emeryville California with my husband, love of my energy source, and our first summer. I will surrounded by people I have just met these past few months, family close if I want to visit.I can't help but feel like a part of me is still missing. I didn't get to . . .I wish we could have . . . if you were here now kinds of things.When will this feeling go? When is this over? Why does this shit linger? When is this feeling over?
I heard the phone ring and chose not to ask who it was or what was that or whatever brainless quip running in my preoccupied brain. I just wanted to pretend that everything was going to be alright and that tomorrow will be amazing because it's the 4th of July but nothing was coming for me that wonderful in my busted head. Manny knocked on the door and said my sister Darlene was on the phone for me and it sounds urgent, I replied I'll be there. I remember just wrapping up in a towel trying to rush to hear the news about whatever, whomever, whatever. I sat in this orange chair Manny had that matched the sofa that matched the bamboo wall thing. The t.v. stood at me waiting for my reaction so it could play my horrific face while getting the news," reporting live . . .Robin's Mom just died. Back to you Tom for the weather". Manny sat on the orange sofa looking at me a bit crazy. All I heard was sobbing and I knew, I knew Mom was dead but I didn't want to really believe it, I waited for her to say it. "Mom is gone Robin, she's gone. Did you hear me?! Mom's dead". Before I could think I said, " I'll have to call you back in a minuet, okay", and hung up on her. I felt this amazing breeze past by me and the t.v. turned on, the remote was on the windows ledge opposite of either of us, then I smelled her. I could smell my Mom. The warm summer evening sun, faint smell of cigarettes and perfume with a touch of flowers, held just the right kind of sorrow and bliss. I just started to cry really hard. I didn't care about the t.v. going on by it's self. I didn't care about the remote being on the other side of the room. I didn't care if anyone heard me my mother was gone. He tried his best to console me but he had no frame of reference for dead girlfriends Mom. I cried myself to sleep and woke up early, 9AM to be exact. Manny was in the kitchen, I was looking for the bottle of booze we had because that was going to be my breakfast. I'm sure he asked if I was hungry, I know I ignored him. I stood on that balconey smoking my cigarette drinking vodka and oj. Manny called his mom over to hang out with me so I drank fast so I could meet her with a better face, I drank too much and went to bed. Woke up at noon with a beautiful day outside, music playing joyfully, Manny's Mom in my house and Manny cooking again. After many other not so pleasant events happened, my brother decided to take up drugs and stealing. My little sister began to fade into a statistic. My sperm donor did what he does best . . .nothing. And I come back home with my Mom in my arms with an empty home to go to.
I cry on her birthday, her death day, for holidays, for movies that show me a bit more and more what it's like to not have your mother around, for other people for no reason I cried and cried but I didn't feel any better. I drank and drank but that didn't make me feel better either. I dropped some E, I took a few pills, I tried piercing myself to make other pain stop the initial. Then I just stopped caring. I hated everything and cried. I treated people like shit and cried. I was destructive with myself and cried without really being alone in my head to sort out the crazy. I talked to friends but they had no frame either. I tried to talk to family members but their grief wasn't like mine. I tried to talk to Manny but he just said, " i know your sad but you can't like there all the time. You got to keep going and stop felling sorry for yourself, would your mother want that", charmer. I never really got to get it out.
It will be 11years on July 3rd PM 2011. I live in Emeryville California with my husband, love of my energy source, and our first summer. I will surrounded by people I have just met these past few months, family close if I want to visit.I can't help but feel like a part of me is still missing. I didn't get to . . .I wish we could have . . . if you were here now kinds of things.When will this feeling go? When is this over? Why does this shit linger? When is this feeling over?
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