....

The man I loved doesn't love me because he doesn't know how to love himself.
I tried hard to get him to believe, see, open up and let go but he couldn't or doesn't want to, either way, he didn't  come after me or fight for me so we aren't together anymore. I didn't know how screwed up I was from all that trying. I didn't know that I was tearing myself apart mentally and spiritually until I did.  Nothing is more jarring than seeing who you are truly with your own eyes. Standing in my kitchen with my hands on a knife ready to not care ever again, yeah that happened. I've never felt such emptiness as I have felt these past few years. I don't know where to begin on how I allowed that to carry on for so long. I was deeply in love with a human being who didn't know his worth and made my light dim because he couldn't shine as bright. I heard it when we dated and thought," oh! My friends are nice. They would love on you because I love you", they did but it wasn't enough. He would complain that everyone was happy to see me and forget his name. I'm just not memorable". Words I heard for a while until it was something else. Then it was a group or groups or people, places, venues until you just don't go out to said places with said person, or drink heavily in my case. I drank and fucking drank myself stupid because I believed I wasn't girly enough, creative enough, good enough in bed, fat, aging, negative, complicated, loud, thoughtless, without compassion, aggressive, doesn't think things through and so fourth...but I have potential to grow(words used by him)?! I have told this man more of myself than to any human being on the planet and he says such things to me, about me but I have potential?  Things like this doesn't dawn on me till later, then I feel even more foolish. I have been double dipping in the sea of shame under the mental thumb of a person who hates himself on deep levels ( can we agree how fucking stupid I am and how fucking desperate I was and how fucking ridiculous this feels, okay). He didn't come after me, neither time. He didn't really put fourth effort into the longevity of this marriage, I know because he told me. I was doing all the work yet I'm loosing weight, sleep and life because of...this fucking guy?! REALLY?!!  Yeah, really because I was in love deep. I didn't and still do not believe I will find someone that compatible, I'm broken remember? I don't see beauty when I look at me, I see a shell. I don't dream about my future. I just make these plans and pray they happen because that's all I have energy for. I can't talk to men because I feel digesting when I take my clothes off, who wants to fuck a skeleton? I sure as hell don't!  Even if I was healthy I'd hear clearly in my head," you're too sexual. Why are you so aggressive and loud? Are you drinking tonight"? Not even kidding. W.T.F!
I want to erase Robin from my memory and start completely over but that bitch is a fighter and she would find a way to infiltrate my brain to carry on the saga somewhere else but not this time. That asshole ex and Robin can fuck right off and live happily ever after elsewhere. I want a do over of some kind and I want what I ordered with a few addendums  and minor incidentals( doesn't come that way...just in case you were wondering). I'm angry. I'm lost. I'm broken, beaten and squeazed out my friend. This is the end of Robin.