You are going to live a little.

Pilot mode.

There's something to be said about solitude. Your world is small but it's your own. The food you eat, the clothes you wear right down to the personal time you have with yourself which is all the time. Reflecting on the past, fixing the present. Days seem to bleed into one another but your being is whole and clear. You make plans. You work hard and smart, this time. You play the game but loose the plot and none of it matters because it feels good to be independent. Options to go out or not are available, no one to answer to, life is getting good. Night life becomes a thing. You dance the night away, you sing out loud and with other people and you hot tub in silence because you can. You begin to talk to people, you know you have no business conversing with, because it's good practice. You read things to inspire but immediately find the bullshit and put it down. You try a new look, new music, new and interesting friends you would never entertain before but now it feels good for some reason and the reason means less than nothing because you are content, finally. You don't notice the days blending in. You don't notice, anymore, the couples hooking up all of a sudden, you definitely don't care as much as you once did. You begin to smile more often and enjoy the easiness of life. Time goes by effortlessly. Time seems to do well with you and you are human again.

By some weird happenstance, you meet someone who vibes like you, what?! This person shares some dark things, you share some past things, you both end up connecting. The more you gather, the more you want to. The more you share, the more you're inclined to. Irresistible the want to be around all the time but trust is a real feeling once had and forgotten. So you are cautious, possibly timid, skeptical even but nothing arises nor gives way to any flags that may entice you to make an excuse to depart before the devil makes his entrance.  You find yourself comfortably uncomfortable. Monitoring. Trying not to be your complete self rather, a facimile of the best bits or a portion as to not scare or discourage but whom are you holding back for? Old habits. Old feelings. Old shit. Letting go never occurred in this case but it's the letting go you desire. Not trusting yourself. Wanting to. Feels. Emotions. Conclusion that reach epic ending such as," whom are you living for? What do you hope to gain by not being present? Why are you not deserving? When will you allow yourself to be free"?
Then it clicks. I. Am. Human. Flawed and wonderfully bound by my own reason and purpose. My creation is the action that moves me forward or holds me still.  I. Am. You. You. Are. Me. This mirror holds no keys yet all answers, I have to be with it to know it. It has to be around me so that i may feel it. I have to feel it to adopt it. I'll adopt it when I  know...I know nothing and everything at once. It's a gift. I choose today, this moment, this person in this place to be my true self.
Happy.