I know Nothing!

I thought a lot about what I do, who I am and the like and came up with diddlecrapswazeegerkensaw! I know nothing.
I've adopted that line ,"I know nothing", in high school because too many of my friends thought they knew everything and life slapped them so hard. I did not want to be that person so I adopted that line. It's 2016 people. I'm an adult who still knows fuckall.
I thought I liked being manhandled until I got just a smidgen of a taste, vanilla. 12 yrs of LTR taught me nothing, I explored nothing and Vanilla is a lable. Lame.

Here's the rub, I went into a situation expecting one thing. Arrived to a new understanding of what said thing was and locked the fuck up. I literally shut down. The outcome was to let go but I shut down, interesting. Not only did I shut down but found a way to deflect any sort of real feeling into a, "what's next", attitude as if I conquered something spectacular, nope. I felt things I haven't felt in a dogs age, I remembered things I thought I put away, I felt too many things all at once and shut down, fuck!
Patterns kept me from my goal but the process is still the same. Bump up to your shit, greet it with proper salutations then invite it to dinner, feed it kindress and thank it to surrender, simple. Nope! Shits not simple. You arrive, you wait, you think too much to hard, analyze the anticipation before it's birth and still are wrong, I Fucking know nothing. I know more of nothing today than I did in high school.  To clarify; I began with a dream. That dream took me to a place. That place provided nothing I wanted but everything I needed for the time and yet, the outcome wasn't achieved. Why?

I'm still holding on to shit. Why? These dark passengers who ride dirty next to me have been quite the companions, hard to let go. Toxic these passengers but with such an amazing purpose, for the time, that seeing them gone would leave me naked and alone. I have been alone for so long that the smallest company, no matter how unproductive, keeps me in a place of false hope. Through pain I thought, " this will bring light to the perverbial darkness", but it didn't . . .or did it? I know nothing truly. What I do know doesn't project me forward into the self I know to be true. If it was easy I would appreciate it and if it's too hard then id fight through it to gain it's spotlight yet I'm tired of doing this to myself. Le sigh. More questions than answers. I'm sore, tired, confused but oddly comfortable with this particular process more than others. Strange.

I didn't ask for what I got. I'm strangely intrigued by what came of it. Different process different outcome, different process same outcome? Who knows? Knowing nothing lead to something I do know . . .just be present with it. All else will be revealed.