Then,You.

I was deeply in love with my husband until he walked out emotinally then spiritually so I left, physically. He stole my power to be seen, heard and felt. He destroyed what it meant to be me. His ruiz his manipulations his constant need to be #1 while he ignores you for beer and good times with friends. I was deeply in love with my husband for 8-10yrs of wanting nothing more than to feel him see him fuck him laugh with him dream with him travel and explore. He told me at the end that he really wasn't trying but he thought I had potential. His arrogance made him  look larger than life if his gut didn't give it away. He once was, athletic. All the lessons I learned from previous mistakes could never prepare me for neglect: I was a shrinking violet in a emotionally demanding relationship with conditions to my love and sex. I choose him.

3.5 yrs later and not much dating to speak of but plenty of empty sex, I stop trying because it was ruining my view of men. I stopped going out I stopped dancing I stopped putting the sun in my face, I stopped everything I knew and loved and almost died, literally. I imagined running a hot bath with essential oils with music,  who knows what I'd listen to on repeat, in my kimono I got from him on my birthday which is now ruined because we got married on . . .that . . .day. Not so much the Kimono. Taking one of the knives I had in the kitchen and opening my femoral artery. Morbid, yeah but truth. I allowed someone to break me. Although I tried to replace there was none. 3.5 yrs later I now know that replacements belong in movies. I became busy with things. I became hungry for information. Let's face it, I was restless. My comforts no longer. My defenses were shot. My spirit was low but strangely, I had hope. Slowly coming out of my cave. I began to dance with friends. I began to smile. I began to delete those who no longer served a purpose. The new self could not sustain those energies any longer. I took the darkness and turned it to light in some aspects of my life.

I met this mad man who dances like the devil but drinks like a fish. He lives simply with unrefined bad habits and flaws humanly displayed. This man wasnt trying to be anything but himself. No peacock. No cock nor bull just him. We danced and talked and danced some more til it was time for him to drive me home. His tale told true on the way to mine. I fought like hell not to share my own. He seem the need to speak. After his broken story of other retched humans behaving poorly, I too related in many aspects. His shattered heart and broken spirit mended, so will mine. I thought. We parted without normal formalities. We didn't speak for quite some time after.

On a whim! I called to hang out, our time never matched, missed schedules and that but we finally made it to D1 ( date #1). Then 2 then 3 and suddenly it's normal. I smile more often thinking of you than I have with most thoughts. I like the sound of your voice. Such a unique soul bashing about. On a whim I thought," he's just as batshit crazy as I am. At least I'll get to know someone new", and that became friendship. I haven't felt warmth like this in years. I didn't think it was possible. Then, you.