The Finale

12yrs married to a man who thought of me as a convience instead of his wife. I draged his tired body through this life he wanted to live in but not participate in unless the circumstances are just right. I opened his world to many things. I took him to places he had never been before and did things to and for him no one ever thought of doing. I encouraged, I sacrIficed my independence dignity and sanity for someone who did not deserve it (this is 1 way of looking at it).

12 yrs married to a man I did not trust. He lied about doing drugs with friends and hid the knowledge until his best friend's girlfriend ratted him out. He would leave ritually because he didn't want to be around me yet he kept me around so he wouldn't feel lonely. I tried to make him see I was his biggest cheerleader but was ignored often. After a few years, not in completion, of being ignored I lashed out in various ways. Through emotional cheating with friends and strangers I received the attention I wanted but it was empty because I wanted him. He wanted beer, the internet and to be left alone (another way of looking at it)

I got into a relationship thinking this would be my last ever so make it count. Through bad choices and mistakes and countless of hours of beating myself up for not being a better girlfriend, wife and friend I sacrificed my everything for a man who saw none of my efforts. Occasionally I would be thrown a bone of appreciation by way of going to the movies, going out to dinner or the farmers market. As a married woman, one expects the game to be raised as such the deepened relationship which comes with trips to wherever, candle light carpet midnight dinners for two or romantic walks side by side arm in arm delights. None to be had unless sex was attached to it. Through horrible trial and error, I single handedly botched the recovery of our relationship with the full knowledge not only would he not care but he would be releaved . . .and he was. Dedication to another person does not live within him and love has conditions. No, I am not perfect and my faults could fill a cemetery but my resolve was always him.
18 yrs later after depression with the close call of a sunset, I found my way through the merky water. I tried to date but men kept showing up useless and just as selfish. My eyes have been open to the cruel ways men use women and how women retaliate. Ive learned to be still in the raging wars to see the chaos clearly for what it is. Since this revelation, there is much more room to grow from and out of surrending to its lessons and humbling the quiet noise. Still not perfect. Nor do I want to be. As this chapter ends I set fire to its bounds crippling its return. Blessed be the struggle that leads to abundance grace and humility. May the lessons be plenty with many more triumphs to celebrate. #peacebdajourney