The Pain of Love

What the fuck do you mean "How do I feel"? I feel like beating 12 yrs out of my memory because it hurts too much to think about yet another thing I've failed. I feel like my efforts meant nothing because, well...this! I feel like punching you in the fucking face for not fucking listening to anything I said to try and help this fucking relationship work or last. I fucking feel like slapping some sense into your fucking head. I obviously feel violent. I feel like grabbing your stupid fucking face and kiss your promise-less lips so fucking hard you can't fucking breathe. I feel like ripping your fucking clothes off throwing you on the fucking floor (too good for the bed) fucking you stupid and while you slept, cutting your fucking beard then leave without saying goodbye. Fuck you, how do I fucking feel! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm miserable. I get angry when I should cry, cry when nothings wrong second guessing everything I do because your voice has moved into the crawl space of my psyche and shame me out of many things. Fuck you for making me love you more than myself.

-I should have sent this to my ex when I was feeling this at the time. Now that I'm looking at it with fresh eyes, I'm glad I didn't. He didn't deserve my breath or energy nor would he appreciate the pain or recognize his part without placing balme first.
Its reflections like these, when the storm passes, to see how far youve come and how brave you were to peave in the first place. I am proud I did not stay with an emotional unavailble man with dark issues unaddressed. I'm proud of myself for choosing to live well and not settle for mediocrity. Its reflections like these that tell the story of an emotionally spiritually abused woman who stood for the first time to walk, not run or crawl, out on love lost.

Still cant believe I'm alive and well.
Glad I'm whole again.