Breakdown
Before my mom died I didn't cry. I'd laugh hysterically or get super angry so that the hurt would just hurt in painful body ways instead of emotional ways. I use to wish I was more sensitive because girls seem to get it all out when they cried but alas . . .not me. I'm kinda stuck in between the cool girl and tomboy world so those types of coping doesn't help it just makes the emotional pain much much worst. Crying seem to be a silly girl emotion wasted on boys who were always douche bags and possibly fucking their girlfriends; lately that's all I want to do, but it doesn't help still.
My father was the cause of most of my emotional baggage when I was young and yet I would crush my locker with my fists or get into fights with random people instead of crying because it was a sign of weakness?? No. But it was a sign you couldn't handle your shit and I was not that kind of person. I was the kind of person who solved others problems because it was easier than my own. My problems stemmed from paying rent at a young age, not having parents around to guide me, trying to get great grades so that I could leave this hell whole called Sacramento and not get pregnant by some ridiculous fucktard who would ultimately leave me for a better model. I had a swim practice at the buttcrack of dawn, zero period before normal school, class till 2 my job till 8 and gymnastics till late at night. If I was really good I would get homework in on time and maybe some sleep. This went on for a couple of years and I graduated on time, not with honors but I graduated. Between then, my roommates boyfriend tried to sell my shit, hung my bear in the hallway as a warning and hid my mail so that my scholarship for music was gone for good ruining my chances for really getting the fuck out of this hell I called life, I managed. Did I cry?? Hell yeah I cried but it looked much like a psychotic break through laughing and anger while tears fell from my eyes as a result of my body not knowing what to do with all of that.
When I moved to Arizona with my then boyfriend, I found out that he was cheating on my with the very girls I was helping with their studies for school, mind you . . .they were a few years younger than I. I was 17 at the time and they were 14, my boyfriend was 3 yrs older than myself so you do the math. Did I cry?? Yeah. My heart was kind of broken by someone who was cheated on and said he would never cheat on me because he knew how it felt. Good lesson. He told me he cheated himself because he wanted to be no lies between us and that he felt he needed to tell the truth after he asked me to marry him, guilty conscience. I lost 30lbs from crying and sadness and anger, first time ever real cry as a teen for someone else besides my family. I regretted every tear because he wasn't worth one nor my ass to kiss, mental note.
I really didn't have a purpose to cry for a long time, until my mom died. I've cried for no reason with reason, kind of a reason, the sky was blue, i forgot an item and my favorite I can't smell her anymore. This last week I was holding in all the anger, all the pain, all the frustrations, all the guilt, all the reasons I could think of not to cry and the end result was me getting sick as a dog and hurting my back, yet again, and getting sick to boot. I yelled at the closet, the door, the bed, myself and anything I could for my mom not being here leaving me with that simple bastard I call my sperm donor. I cried for not hearing her anymore, not smelling her again, not being able to touch her and all the wrong reasons as well. Does it help?? Fuck no. I feel just as shitty as I did once I started to cry in the first place but I can say that I am relieved of some stress that was lodged between my heart and head. This was also the longest panic attack I have had(3days) and I am now wanting nothing more than to be rid of this feeling and begin to feel like a normal human being, whatever that is. I can't keep crying about what I can not change nor what I wasn't able to do. I feel like I'm hurting myself more and more by holding it in yet there isn't anyone around who really knows what I'm going through to get it out. People say therapy worked for them but I don't want drugs. I don't want sympathy and I don't want to be labeled a fucking wack job either.People also keep pushing therapy because it worked for them so it has to work for me, I don't believe in that. Not everything is good for the goose and gander. Therapy has it's place but I'm not sure it will place with me. Giving someone money to talk about your problems is kinda . . . .crazy. It's like pissing your money away at Vegas for the possibility of the big hit but never really getting it just kinda making your money back but not even. Someday that will make more sense to me as well.
I just want to not have stress for no reason, wake up happy because it's sunny and love on my honey the rest of my life, but I breakdown at every turn without warning. I just keep breaking down.
My father was the cause of most of my emotional baggage when I was young and yet I would crush my locker with my fists or get into fights with random people instead of crying because it was a sign of weakness?? No. But it was a sign you couldn't handle your shit and I was not that kind of person. I was the kind of person who solved others problems because it was easier than my own. My problems stemmed from paying rent at a young age, not having parents around to guide me, trying to get great grades so that I could leave this hell whole called Sacramento and not get pregnant by some ridiculous fucktard who would ultimately leave me for a better model. I had a swim practice at the buttcrack of dawn, zero period before normal school, class till 2 my job till 8 and gymnastics till late at night. If I was really good I would get homework in on time and maybe some sleep. This went on for a couple of years and I graduated on time, not with honors but I graduated. Between then, my roommates boyfriend tried to sell my shit, hung my bear in the hallway as a warning and hid my mail so that my scholarship for music was gone for good ruining my chances for really getting the fuck out of this hell I called life, I managed. Did I cry?? Hell yeah I cried but it looked much like a psychotic break through laughing and anger while tears fell from my eyes as a result of my body not knowing what to do with all of that.
When I moved to Arizona with my then boyfriend, I found out that he was cheating on my with the very girls I was helping with their studies for school, mind you . . .they were a few years younger than I. I was 17 at the time and they were 14, my boyfriend was 3 yrs older than myself so you do the math. Did I cry?? Yeah. My heart was kind of broken by someone who was cheated on and said he would never cheat on me because he knew how it felt. Good lesson. He told me he cheated himself because he wanted to be no lies between us and that he felt he needed to tell the truth after he asked me to marry him, guilty conscience. I lost 30lbs from crying and sadness and anger, first time ever real cry as a teen for someone else besides my family. I regretted every tear because he wasn't worth one nor my ass to kiss, mental note.
I really didn't have a purpose to cry for a long time, until my mom died. I've cried for no reason with reason, kind of a reason, the sky was blue, i forgot an item and my favorite I can't smell her anymore. This last week I was holding in all the anger, all the pain, all the frustrations, all the guilt, all the reasons I could think of not to cry and the end result was me getting sick as a dog and hurting my back, yet again, and getting sick to boot. I yelled at the closet, the door, the bed, myself and anything I could for my mom not being here leaving me with that simple bastard I call my sperm donor. I cried for not hearing her anymore, not smelling her again, not being able to touch her and all the wrong reasons as well. Does it help?? Fuck no. I feel just as shitty as I did once I started to cry in the first place but I can say that I am relieved of some stress that was lodged between my heart and head. This was also the longest panic attack I have had(3days) and I am now wanting nothing more than to be rid of this feeling and begin to feel like a normal human being, whatever that is. I can't keep crying about what I can not change nor what I wasn't able to do. I feel like I'm hurting myself more and more by holding it in yet there isn't anyone around who really knows what I'm going through to get it out. People say therapy worked for them but I don't want drugs. I don't want sympathy and I don't want to be labeled a fucking wack job either.People also keep pushing therapy because it worked for them so it has to work for me, I don't believe in that. Not everything is good for the goose and gander. Therapy has it's place but I'm not sure it will place with me. Giving someone money to talk about your problems is kinda . . . .crazy. It's like pissing your money away at Vegas for the possibility of the big hit but never really getting it just kinda making your money back but not even. Someday that will make more sense to me as well.
I just want to not have stress for no reason, wake up happy because it's sunny and love on my honey the rest of my life, but I breakdown at every turn without warning. I just keep breaking down.
i didn't cry for a long time too. the past couple of weekends ii've cried for hours. i think it really helps. it's hard, uncomfortable and breaks me apart. breaking down is also breaking through. not allowing those emotions or holding it all in just gets you sick and tired. let yourself breakdown and be built up again in a new configuration.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Dana
Thank mama, but it doesn't make me feel any better, yet it doesn't make me feel worst. I wish I had the ability to just cry and let it go but it stays there like a former lover who doesn't get the curtain has been dropped and the credits are rolling. I wish nothing more than to be able to cry really hard and to feel like you do when you puke the alcohol you've been consuming all night but I don't. That's why i feel like something is wrong with me. I will try your idea and let you know how it went . . .whenever the feeling comes back.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Me xoxoxoxo