Therapy
In the beginning I figured I would get help for depression, I left shortly after I felt I could not get the help I need. An incident happened several months after that which led me back to therapy and I'm now figuring out that I don't need it but what if I managed to use it?
Hear me out: Therapy is for people who can't handle life of life happening to them so they seek an outside person who knows nothing about them, their people, their desires, their games and give, said person, an open and fresh look on said situation they are obsessing about. What if you have the answers you were looking for within you the whole time but had a moment/s of total freak out and sought out therapy? During therapy you decide to use therapy for a book or an experiment? I would read that book, I would be entertained by something that clever(if that person had skills to be clever on paper....on...screen?). I had these moments and I am said person but I don't really need therapy nor do I need another person telling me that what I am feeling is perfectly okay or that this process is good to go through as I am figuring out my purpose. I'm not really the lost type, I am lost at times but I always find my way back.
I am going to write about my experiences in therapy weekly to see what kind of mood change or what have you does to and for my person. This will be interesting as I do not hold back when I speak(some of you may know this, some of you are getting to know this and some of you will never understand it but enjoy it anyway. There might be some private stuff in some of these readings and I don't want to alarm anyone by them. Just remember that I am fine and it's a process. Please feel free to comment by adding yourself to this blog. I'm excited to see what all of you think and feel about this so.....
Therapy session #1 March 19th
They always ask you," how do you feel today"? I always respond,"fine". Then there is awkward silence because there is no agenda to this therapy, only waiting for inspiration. I begin with something simple like, " trying to not be so socially polite". There will be a moment of confused looks then, " What do you mean by that"? I would then say, " When people are talking about something I really don't give a shit about and they make a joke I don't find funny...I won't laugh. I figure being fake and phony isn't the way to live nor setting people up to fail so I don't laugh at stupid jokes, I don't mock them either". She would then look at me to say something but stops herself to ask," Why are you doing this new thing? Is there a reason you are trying something new these days"? Not that I am trying to do new things, I'm just not interested in appeasing people all the time.
Once upon a time, I laughed at stupid jokes, made people feel better about themselves and took people under my wing so that the world didn't hurt them as often or as much as it did me. I cared for people who could not care for themselves. I tried to make life better by giving them what I did not have or could not get. Why? Why was I doing this? What was I getting out of it by doing it, nothing. Most of the time people gave me a bunch of shit for trying to help when they asked for it, most didn't ask but were equally unsatisfied as well. My goal was to ease their heartache so that it might quell mine but that wasn't what happened. Sometimes there was more drama, sometimes more pain, sometimes there were great ah ha moments but mostly I was left with a huge whole that seemed to never fill up. I could say that after years of doing so it left me most of their shit and nowhere to put it all so it came out in negative ways which led me here. I could blame them but I was a party to some of that strife.
-laughing- " What's so funny"? She would ask with a half smile, " The silence is awkward. I feel like there should be an agenda to this talking but there never is". Never a beginning nor a proper end with these sessions, frustrating. " This must be frustrating for you since you like to have structure"? There is it, a question within a question. Never really answering but answering without giving you the complete answer. " yeah it is. I feel like I'm trying to hold out until you laugh so that might spark up another memory or topic, never truly woks out but when it does...magic". She laughs only because my face is all screwed up and goofy but she is still puzzled why I am here in her office. On the surface I seem like a "normal" person who lost her way or has had a bad stings of events happen. On the surface, it seems like there might be a quick solution to my problem because I speak quite openly, frankly if you will and not a moment is wasted on games or riddles, but there isn't. " Have you figured out why you are here or what you would like to get out of this or accomplish"? I reply simply," To move on with my life. To get to the next step and not have to be here ever again. Most people talk about how helpful this is and I don't see it at all. How can this be helpful if you haven't step outside of therapy in 12years? I don't ever want to be dependent on another for anything for that long let alone pay someone to listen to me complain about shit that won't matter tomorrow. I want to find out what's the cause of this depression, get some tools to beat it so that I never have this happent o me again. io don't really think this type of thing is going to help me but I promised my hubby that I would give it a try for 6 mos. so that's what I'm going to do"? Another moment of silence. " do you see this as a weakness"? "Yes, yes I do! If you haven't figured out what the cause of your depression after 15yrs with therapy, I have to question the methods in which were used and if that person was really wanting help at all. There has to be a point where you break away from being dependent on someone for everything you do in life".
This type of talk goes on for quite some time and by the time our hour is up, we are at the same place we were in the beginning...no where. There was some talk about how I thought I was an asshole for not engaging with people and how I shun most people who make claims such as," Well, I'm a healer of past lives", or, " I can feel my aura expanding through and with my chakras",and my new favorite," I'm doing this cleanse to clear my bad habits with relationships", lovely. My first thought is GFY but what if I'm the douche telling people what they believe is stupid and how they live is stupid? Why do I fucking care in the first place? Things like this circle in my head and I can't seem to make the chatter end...truth be told, I sometimes reply in very negative ways just to get a reaction from them as if I'm telling,"just live your life'! Why do we have to do these things to be good people, we don't. Why are we carefully living out our lives as if there is a prize when we die so be careful how you treat yourself? There isn't. Once again, who the fuck am I to tell people anything, why is it so important for me to let them know it won't matter when you die; you will die and none of it will matter. If you die fat, do you think your energy you disperse with be fat? If you die rich, do you think you can take it with you? The answer is no you can't but the important question is why do I care? I came to the conclusion that I don't any longer yet I'm not going to go along with the fantasy when it's presented to me either.
I pay for my time and de-greet her like normal,"thank you"? She replies, "your welcome"?
Hear me out: Therapy is for people who can't handle life of life happening to them so they seek an outside person who knows nothing about them, their people, their desires, their games and give, said person, an open and fresh look on said situation they are obsessing about. What if you have the answers you were looking for within you the whole time but had a moment/s of total freak out and sought out therapy? During therapy you decide to use therapy for a book or an experiment? I would read that book, I would be entertained by something that clever(if that person had skills to be clever on paper....on...screen?). I had these moments and I am said person but I don't really need therapy nor do I need another person telling me that what I am feeling is perfectly okay or that this process is good to go through as I am figuring out my purpose. I'm not really the lost type, I am lost at times but I always find my way back.
I am going to write about my experiences in therapy weekly to see what kind of mood change or what have you does to and for my person. This will be interesting as I do not hold back when I speak(some of you may know this, some of you are getting to know this and some of you will never understand it but enjoy it anyway. There might be some private stuff in some of these readings and I don't want to alarm anyone by them. Just remember that I am fine and it's a process. Please feel free to comment by adding yourself to this blog. I'm excited to see what all of you think and feel about this so.....
Therapy session #1 March 19th
They always ask you," how do you feel today"? I always respond,"fine". Then there is awkward silence because there is no agenda to this therapy, only waiting for inspiration. I begin with something simple like, " trying to not be so socially polite". There will be a moment of confused looks then, " What do you mean by that"? I would then say, " When people are talking about something I really don't give a shit about and they make a joke I don't find funny...I won't laugh. I figure being fake and phony isn't the way to live nor setting people up to fail so I don't laugh at stupid jokes, I don't mock them either". She would then look at me to say something but stops herself to ask," Why are you doing this new thing? Is there a reason you are trying something new these days"? Not that I am trying to do new things, I'm just not interested in appeasing people all the time.
Once upon a time, I laughed at stupid jokes, made people feel better about themselves and took people under my wing so that the world didn't hurt them as often or as much as it did me. I cared for people who could not care for themselves. I tried to make life better by giving them what I did not have or could not get. Why? Why was I doing this? What was I getting out of it by doing it, nothing. Most of the time people gave me a bunch of shit for trying to help when they asked for it, most didn't ask but were equally unsatisfied as well. My goal was to ease their heartache so that it might quell mine but that wasn't what happened. Sometimes there was more drama, sometimes more pain, sometimes there were great ah ha moments but mostly I was left with a huge whole that seemed to never fill up. I could say that after years of doing so it left me most of their shit and nowhere to put it all so it came out in negative ways which led me here. I could blame them but I was a party to some of that strife.
-laughing- " What's so funny"? She would ask with a half smile, " The silence is awkward. I feel like there should be an agenda to this talking but there never is". Never a beginning nor a proper end with these sessions, frustrating. " This must be frustrating for you since you like to have structure"? There is it, a question within a question. Never really answering but answering without giving you the complete answer. " yeah it is. I feel like I'm trying to hold out until you laugh so that might spark up another memory or topic, never truly woks out but when it does...magic". She laughs only because my face is all screwed up and goofy but she is still puzzled why I am here in her office. On the surface I seem like a "normal" person who lost her way or has had a bad stings of events happen. On the surface, it seems like there might be a quick solution to my problem because I speak quite openly, frankly if you will and not a moment is wasted on games or riddles, but there isn't. " Have you figured out why you are here or what you would like to get out of this or accomplish"? I reply simply," To move on with my life. To get to the next step and not have to be here ever again. Most people talk about how helpful this is and I don't see it at all. How can this be helpful if you haven't step outside of therapy in 12years? I don't ever want to be dependent on another for anything for that long let alone pay someone to listen to me complain about shit that won't matter tomorrow. I want to find out what's the cause of this depression, get some tools to beat it so that I never have this happent o me again. io don't really think this type of thing is going to help me but I promised my hubby that I would give it a try for 6 mos. so that's what I'm going to do"? Another moment of silence. " do you see this as a weakness"? "Yes, yes I do! If you haven't figured out what the cause of your depression after 15yrs with therapy, I have to question the methods in which were used and if that person was really wanting help at all. There has to be a point where you break away from being dependent on someone for everything you do in life".
This type of talk goes on for quite some time and by the time our hour is up, we are at the same place we were in the beginning...no where. There was some talk about how I thought I was an asshole for not engaging with people and how I shun most people who make claims such as," Well, I'm a healer of past lives", or, " I can feel my aura expanding through and with my chakras",and my new favorite," I'm doing this cleanse to clear my bad habits with relationships", lovely. My first thought is GFY but what if I'm the douche telling people what they believe is stupid and how they live is stupid? Why do I fucking care in the first place? Things like this circle in my head and I can't seem to make the chatter end...truth be told, I sometimes reply in very negative ways just to get a reaction from them as if I'm telling,"just live your life'! Why do we have to do these things to be good people, we don't. Why are we carefully living out our lives as if there is a prize when we die so be careful how you treat yourself? There isn't. Once again, who the fuck am I to tell people anything, why is it so important for me to let them know it won't matter when you die; you will die and none of it will matter. If you die fat, do you think your energy you disperse with be fat? If you die rich, do you think you can take it with you? The answer is no you can't but the important question is why do I care? I came to the conclusion that I don't any longer yet I'm not going to go along with the fantasy when it's presented to me either.
I pay for my time and de-greet her like normal,"thank you"? She replies, "your welcome"?
I really like this one. would live to see it taken further, maybe a short film like an early Hal Hartley film, full of empty pregnant pauses. heh that's a bit of an oxymoron, but it does describe the feeling I get when I have been in therapy...
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