And so you shall have it.
I answer without a thought of myself or the people around me who could potentially be harmed by my want to help.
You see, this all begins with me wanting to correct the wrong that happened 14 years ago with my Mom. No one listened to me, no one wanted to hear that natural medicine as well as modern medicine would greatly enhance the quality of her health yet, I was greeted with, " The doctors know what they are doing, so let them do their job". As time showed its true face, the doctors did not know what they were doing and my Mom died. Time and time again I became face to face with illnesses and death to which I shared a similar stance and was greeted with the same but with more curiosity and half hearted notions to try and do both but ultimately the end result was the same. "You can lead a horse to water....", and all that wonderful stuff but it still captures a hold of your breathe and spirit when your loved ones hit bottom or die and your words fall in the pit of their despair whilst rotting in the prison of their plea. Don't you feel responsible? I do. Full on responsible and it takes its toll on me in the process. All of my body is telling me," Stop, while you are ahead", but if I didn't help in some way I would feel worse, that's a fucked up situation within itself. where does this responsibility come from? Who bestowed this pressure upon me and why am I taking it so seriously? In recent years, I haven't the slightest ideas what I would do without someone needing me to help them through some kind of peril or trauma, now, I just want people to realize their shit and make it through without my energy to guide them. I feel as though I give all of me and when I need, I get half of them. Whether or not that statements is true, that is how it feels. Then I have to ask, to myself, am I seeing the trauma of my own stacked up annoyances or is this something that is truly happening in real time? Either way, the cycle has to stop with someone at some time and with good reason.
I have longed to live in a remote spot where people come to me for their healing, guidance and general mental and physical health but I wasn't asking the right questions or being specific with that want. I now know that I would like to have, for my own healing compound, where Meditation is our wake, Yoga is our journey, Massage is our grounding and eating healthy foods from our garden well keeps us present. The funny thing is, if I don't have that now, how can I ask people to come to me for it? Where do I start bringing that energy in so that I may live out my purpose? Simple. with me. I have not taken care of me...ever! It has only occurred to me that once I get myself right I can then ask other to take a similar journey but not until I complete the first half of my own. I feel , as though, I need to be somewhere else to gain silence to my monkey mind and hear what is needed to heal, who has time for that? Well, if you want to succeed, you will make time no matter where you are. The location isn't important but the will to change makes all the difference. Do I have that will presently, no. am I striving to receive that message, yes. Bad habits are so hard to break but why break something which gave you the strength to be where you are now? Why not honor it for what it has done for you thus far? You can, I can and will. I hold the key to my own success(those words are so generic and are on every rainbow, praying hands, bamboo, Buddah and New Age-y posting, yet, it is correct. Just wish it didn't sounds so full of shit.) These things are all connected for me, the want to take care of myself whole and full while asking people to rely on someone else for their Johnny on the spot, the balance and dance makes me feel uncoordinated. It is within that uncomfortable feeling the breakthrough will reveal itself to me...I hope. As for now, I take the little things in stride, work smart not hard and be okay with telling people NO, and mean it for once.
And so, I shall have it.
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