The me thats works no longer

I am noticing that I do not work. My words are harsh, my thoughts are clouded, my heart desires things my life can't provide yet and I spin out of control with unease. This past week showed me that not only do I not listen, I internalize negative when the positive stares me in the face. I breathe the dark even when I don't mean to. I trap myself into dark even when I strive to be in the light.
When in the light, I don't feel supported, heard, open and true but I know that's just ego keeping me down. Why do I feel so weak in the light? What makes me turn away from it when that's all I desire? I confuse myself into thinking that this is life when...its really not.
The self I once believed in is dying and is doing everything in its power to stay where it is. It has built a lifetime of woe, pain, trauma, shame, guilt and confusion. This is the only self it knows. I have the power to delete this way of thinking. I have the power to eliminate the self that no longer belongs. Why do I hold on? Fear is quite the motivator.
Fear kept me from countless experiences that would have brought me more joy and accomplishments, yet, I go right back to fear. Why? What is it that keeps me in it? What drives me back to that place where I no longer belong? Why am I married to a story where the happy ending is for someone else?

Each day, there is an opportunity to grow and move forward and be the me I see in my dreams and mirror; is the mirror lying to me face or am I lying to the mirror? Taking the first step is the hardest but I beg to differ, continuing the momentum is much harder than you can imagine. Not all things roll so nicely. It is within the willingness to stay in that state, the heart to open up to its wisdom and the balls to brave its simplicity.
I now make a pact with myself:
  Each day is a new day.
You will not have the answers.
You will not begin in fear.
You will use compassion as a guide.
Listen more.
Ask more questions.
Give no answer if negative rules your thoughts.
Offer no opinion if one is not asked.
Think of others feelings before you speak.
Be grateful for what you have.
Treat everyday as a gift.
Love with your whole heart.
No judgment.

This is not an easy task for anyone. I am determined to be more connected to the higher self. This may be more challenging than I anticipate but I am willing to do the work...whatever it takes to truly breathe in what life has to offer. With your help, your guidance and love...I know I can make it.

Peace B Da Journey <3