Busted Buddhist

Spirituality was easy to cling onto. I could make up whatever I wanted and no one would question it because it has no definition. I pretended to think worldly. I made sweeping statements that were suppose to provoke thought which just promoted anger and confusion. I believed in things unseen but for some reason felt them without explanation (the beginning). I tried listening to Mantras, go on walks, meditation, deep breathing, sunbathing,  moonbathing, crystal healing, yoni healing, self help books, talk therapy, group therapy, Yoga, Martial Arts and solitude. The list of outrageous things to reconnect yourself is alarming and expensive but I tried many, nothing worked. For years I continued to drink while watching people move on with their lives. Why not me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I have those things? What am I doing wrong? I've done everything possible that I'm suppose to. Where is my happily ever after?! That inner child and teenager just isn't satisfied with mediocrity yet they don't function well with society and process, I let them talk loudly. I let those two run shit. They pushed people away. The drove loved ones into the arms of others. They built brick walls because being right was more important. They ruined everything.
I allowed a child and teenager to run my life for years. Hedonistic, selfish, brash, unapologetic, in your face here I am snot nosed little shots ran my life and I let them. Felt good for a while then, I felt guily. I felt sad that I could treat people in this manor. I was capable of tearing down someone for the hell of it. Using information against another for pleasure and gain. I was capable of many ugly unsettling acts of unkind verbal assault at large. Lame.

Unchecked anger unleashes black rage that runs further than fossil oil, truth. The madness that insued within my bucket head was astronomical and quite outstanding. Who holds onto shit like that?! I did. If there was an inch to talk some shit, I was there to put glitter and rainbows on it to dress it up just for you. Ass. I'm an ass, is what I began to think yet, it didn't change my actions at all. I was determined to be seen, get felt, be heard no matter what and you were going to listen. Ego. The ego is strong. The ego isn't your enemy. Ego is your trusted soldier that keeps you in line. It fights for you. It rages wars for you. It...protects you. That's really what the ego does, it protects you. It protects you from the outside influences you don't see that could be harmful if you are not careful. It also throws you under the bus if you allow it to run shit. The disconnect between your true self and the ego will wear on you like a cheap suit. Everyone sees it but you. You try to put your best foot forward and not comment on injustice but in the end, the ego wins because you've trained it to do so. You try not to impose your will, you try not to instigate,  you try and you try but ultimately the ego wins because why? You've trained it for these very moments. Why? What purpose does it serve? Whom are you protecting yourself from if you are o ly surround by loved ones? Silence. Instead of working out the verbal abnormalities within your safe group of companions who love honor and respect you, you trust no one. Your world gets smaller. Your enteraction become more few. Your excuses are extensive as to why you can't go to XYZ. Suddenly, those people stop coming around. The invites are few and far between. You spend less time with people, more time with yourself four walls, t.v. and a mirror that constantly tells you the truth
"You're getting fat. You're lazy. You're ugly. You're unloved. You're ignorant. You're unintelligent. You're  a waste of time. You're a failure. You're worthless. What purpose do you serve? Why don't you do something for once? You're Black". That negative self talk becomes your dark passenger to every event you go to. Everything you do or touch has this Mantra resounding in your cranium and there's nothing to atop it. No one can hear it but you. No one can feel it but you. Congratulations!! You have created your very own island of pity. Where's your spirituality now?

-UbanBuddhistintraining