It's been awhile
I haven't written in a long time because I haven't had time, I haven't had access to a computer because of the move from Oregon to California and some of our stuff is still in Oregon and I haven't really been inspired to write my thoughts due to depression and the like, however...I will make effort to write at least once a week, so here goes...or maybe I'll wait until I'm inspired.
So far all the things that matter to me are jumbled in my head like an all nighter with Jameson and loud music, half naked girls with over cologne males trying to be heard pleading a case only a bar would appreciate. I want to write about the people who I've ex ed out of my life these past few months but for the life of me, I can't muster up the energy to give a shit. I want to tell you about how my transition from Oregon to the Bay area was tumultuous yet that doesn't seem to hold any weight either. i would like to tell you about how my year is suppose to be filled of positivity and goodness but I can't think of anything to report. I will say that making these steps to writing again are a bit harder than they use to be. I'm making better decisions which allow some outlets, however, I'm not wanting to invite the others in...what does that say; am I growing up? I friggin hope not.
Tough spots like these remind me why I began to write in the first place. I started when I was very young and anger was my co-pilot. I continued to write when sorrow was my sidekick but as that swayed I allowed darkness to fester into my very being. Here's the thing about darkness...it's not just dark, it's not just black, its devouring pits of black coldness. Like a drug, you get a taste and it seals the want and desire. Once you have a taste for it, it draws upon the light you once had making you weak. Once you are weak enough, it breaks you from all that you knew and could've been, then it makes you gag for it. The more you want it the less it shows up so you create a place that it will show up when you need it, want it more and more. Like a junkie, all that you want to do is have that first fix. You dream of it, you bathe in it, you talk about it and it holds you down. You don't realize what you have become until, as always, something traumatic happens for you to make the breakthrough...but do you really make it through? Not real. You have to have counseling, compartmentalize, breakdown walls which are now made of steel, ask for forgiveness from yourself and others while you were enraptured. Some may forgive but there are some who won't and that's okay because the only person who you need to really need the okay from is yourself.
With all this said, I can say that I'm on the upswing of forgiveness but I have also made a partnership with the darkness. Darkness shows it's ugly face, I write about it, it drinks deeply and falls to sleep. I no longer need it to be my trusty sidearm only the enforcer once set for trail. If any of this makes sense to you then I say...nothing. Only you can become the emperor of your vessel to steer as you please. I merely tell you of my plight in hopes this gives you insight to who I am and becoming.
May this bring you closer to a deeper understanding.
So far all the things that matter to me are jumbled in my head like an all nighter with Jameson and loud music, half naked girls with over cologne males trying to be heard pleading a case only a bar would appreciate. I want to write about the people who I've ex ed out of my life these past few months but for the life of me, I can't muster up the energy to give a shit. I want to tell you about how my transition from Oregon to the Bay area was tumultuous yet that doesn't seem to hold any weight either. i would like to tell you about how my year is suppose to be filled of positivity and goodness but I can't think of anything to report. I will say that making these steps to writing again are a bit harder than they use to be. I'm making better decisions which allow some outlets, however, I'm not wanting to invite the others in...what does that say; am I growing up? I friggin hope not.
Tough spots like these remind me why I began to write in the first place. I started when I was very young and anger was my co-pilot. I continued to write when sorrow was my sidekick but as that swayed I allowed darkness to fester into my very being. Here's the thing about darkness...it's not just dark, it's not just black, its devouring pits of black coldness. Like a drug, you get a taste and it seals the want and desire. Once you have a taste for it, it draws upon the light you once had making you weak. Once you are weak enough, it breaks you from all that you knew and could've been, then it makes you gag for it. The more you want it the less it shows up so you create a place that it will show up when you need it, want it more and more. Like a junkie, all that you want to do is have that first fix. You dream of it, you bathe in it, you talk about it and it holds you down. You don't realize what you have become until, as always, something traumatic happens for you to make the breakthrough...but do you really make it through? Not real. You have to have counseling, compartmentalize, breakdown walls which are now made of steel, ask for forgiveness from yourself and others while you were enraptured. Some may forgive but there are some who won't and that's okay because the only person who you need to really need the okay from is yourself.
With all this said, I can say that I'm on the upswing of forgiveness but I have also made a partnership with the darkness. Darkness shows it's ugly face, I write about it, it drinks deeply and falls to sleep. I no longer need it to be my trusty sidearm only the enforcer once set for trail. If any of this makes sense to you then I say...nothing. Only you can become the emperor of your vessel to steer as you please. I merely tell you of my plight in hopes this gives you insight to who I am and becoming.
May this bring you closer to a deeper understanding.
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