Breaking point?
I had a nervous breakdown a couple of weeks ago and I thought that would be it. I'd cry, I'd spill my guts and everything would be okay, but it's not. I wake up crying for no reason, I get mad at nothing and no one and feel stupid for feeling mad. I have bad dreams(not uncommon) but they leave me empty, alone and lost in my own head and body. I laugh at things when I know they are funny but have not feelings what-so-ever. Cavernous is mostly my day to day walking dead for the most part yet I've already slid into a routine that allows this to be okay. I tried to get treatment from a free place(no, don't discount it just because it's free) but she obviously thought I was too much to handle and handed me off to someone else who was more qualified. I know that is a smart move but I still feel rejected and hopeless at the same fashion. WTF!
All I "think" I need is for someone to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me so that I can move on with my life. Just a hint of what I should do and I can do the rest. I don't need pills, or hand holding or reflecting on something beautiful to make these things go away. Just want someone to tell me where I'm suppose to go, with whom and how. If depression feels like this to everyone who is . . .I don't want to be a part of it. This is the kind of insane shit people kill themselves over, simple shit. It's not that you lost your job, lost a friend, can't sleep, need someone to talk to, it's all of those things and so much more. I stayed in my bed for four or five days looking at the t.v. look back at me waiting for me to change. I ate nothing and lost a lot. I had a hard time going to the bathroom because it hurt to move or be motivated about moving. Clothing, ha! Putting clothing on was a chore I didn't fathom because that meant I felt better but I didn't. It also meant that I was ready to go out in public but I really wasn't. I forced myself to move so that I didn't feel the shame of being a recluse. I feel like I'm on autopilot all the time waiting for something or someone to tell me that it's okay to let my guard down . . .I know I can't.
Feeling, not feeling, restless, spacing, guilty, anger, sadness, anxiety, panic, doubt, worry, struggle, uncertainty, trapped, lost and just not my fucking self. Is it always this hard to loose someone you love? Is it harder for them to loose you? These are the things I sit and ponder over and over and over. Is she okay? Does she ask about me? Does she miss me? Why would she leave me with that bald S.O.B? What am I suppose to get out of this? Where am I suppose to go? Who am I suppose to be? What is my true purpose? But none of those things get answered until you pass to the next life or wherever your energy goes after this body gives up. Why was I not shone the light and happy people when I died? That's a really big question for me but as I said. Can a shrink really tell you all these things, no. Can a shrink help you with these things, maybe if you let them. Am I ready for this to be over, you God Damn Betcha! At the point, I'd drag my balls through broken glass in hell for a clue as to what the fuck is wrong with me and how do I go about fixing it so that I can live a good life. If you are reading this, if you have ever had these feelings and you too are as lost, what would you do? Who would you talk to? What would be your breaking point?
All I "think" I need is for someone to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me so that I can move on with my life. Just a hint of what I should do and I can do the rest. I don't need pills, or hand holding or reflecting on something beautiful to make these things go away. Just want someone to tell me where I'm suppose to go, with whom and how. If depression feels like this to everyone who is . . .I don't want to be a part of it. This is the kind of insane shit people kill themselves over, simple shit. It's not that you lost your job, lost a friend, can't sleep, need someone to talk to, it's all of those things and so much more. I stayed in my bed for four or five days looking at the t.v. look back at me waiting for me to change. I ate nothing and lost a lot. I had a hard time going to the bathroom because it hurt to move or be motivated about moving. Clothing, ha! Putting clothing on was a chore I didn't fathom because that meant I felt better but I didn't. It also meant that I was ready to go out in public but I really wasn't. I forced myself to move so that I didn't feel the shame of being a recluse. I feel like I'm on autopilot all the time waiting for something or someone to tell me that it's okay to let my guard down . . .I know I can't.
Feeling, not feeling, restless, spacing, guilty, anger, sadness, anxiety, panic, doubt, worry, struggle, uncertainty, trapped, lost and just not my fucking self. Is it always this hard to loose someone you love? Is it harder for them to loose you? These are the things I sit and ponder over and over and over. Is she okay? Does she ask about me? Does she miss me? Why would she leave me with that bald S.O.B? What am I suppose to get out of this? Where am I suppose to go? Who am I suppose to be? What is my true purpose? But none of those things get answered until you pass to the next life or wherever your energy goes after this body gives up. Why was I not shone the light and happy people when I died? That's a really big question for me but as I said. Can a shrink really tell you all these things, no. Can a shrink help you with these things, maybe if you let them. Am I ready for this to be over, you God Damn Betcha! At the point, I'd drag my balls through broken glass in hell for a clue as to what the fuck is wrong with me and how do I go about fixing it so that I can live a good life. If you are reading this, if you have ever had these feelings and you too are as lost, what would you do? Who would you talk to? What would be your breaking point?
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