These Feelings Won't Go Away.

Woke up inside myself yesterday, it was a good day. Trying to figure a way out to "fix" what seem to be not broken but was it really? As I walked through the streets of Portland, enjoying the beauty the city posses, silence crept into my head and noise was free from its duties. The chatter began as a dull roar sterilizing the calm into a dark corner. The walls begin to breakdown revealing its bones and skeletons. The floor becomes a sticky mess of untangled combs pulling me, unknowingly, into its grasp. While the rose colored glasses says its a beautiful place to rest, it most certainly is not the place you rest well.

 The sun is still shinning. The people are moving about as they do. The trees sway in the wind, as they do. Traffic lights elude most drivers into thinking they could, in fact, run the red light. The world around me is as it should be and I am now beginning to feel the weight of its trapped and compartmentalized soul. Weary from a suspenseful movie, I drag my heavy carcass towards the nearest exit. Down the escalator I go waiting for people to make up their minds to walk or just ride and the they oscillate between the two making my exit seem further and further...panic rose to the occasion. Heat filled my limbs making them too warm to want to move and too much in shock that they were working in the first place.  My eyes filled with tears. One thought and one thought only ran through my mind,"Leave Quickly"! Rushing through department stores trying not to draw attention to myself but I could feel, one by one, judging my expedient exit. My heart was pounding feverishly inside my chest running an impossible race. Emotion overwhelming me to be a girl and cry out loud but I just won't let it happen. Getting closer to the door. Getting closer to the door. Getting closer...       fresh air.

 The cool breeze of the night rushed into my lungs with childlike glee. My heart still racing, my limbs warm and water logged while the rest of me went to shock, in trembling fashion, crying ensued. Hot salty wet streams racing towards my chin fighting to get to my  unsuspecting t-shirt. Control never had a chance. My mind on the brink of a complete overload spacing what needs to be addressed to what should be left alone. The traffic moved slightly towards my present. A voice caught my attention but not enough to pay attention. Question after question slaying away logic's favorite defense and I am crumbling in the Lloyd Center's garage underneath a halogen light shinning my guilt and shame for everyone to point the finger at, awesome. Move! I need to move and keep moving towards the Max so that I can hide from what follows with persistence. If I could just get to the Max, this thing, whatever it is, will leave me alone. I've concerned my travel partner enough. I may have traumatized this person and how they see me.

("What if they see exactly what I'm trying to hide? What if I'm not hiding right now? What the fuck is wrong with me"?)

Smoke! Let's take a pause for this smoking cause. Maybe this will help my panic take the backseat. Maybe I should sit.

The trees crowd around me in comfort, they do not seem to be enjoying my sadness, drooping down in a hug like embrace just for me. The lamps in the park soften just a bit. The people in the park,at the time, were pushed further from my energy as I could get them.

(Smoke. 

Smoke some more. 

Take a deep breathe, you're going to be okay.Just let this one thing happen so that it does not consume you.Give it a voice.Let it have its say, then let that shit go!)

I get on the Max with my traveling friend. The noise is overwhelming. The hum of the train fills my body with emergency panic, I start to cry...we take off. My traveling partner asks,"Do you want to get off here for a moment"? I shake my head no,"Let's get this over with", I said. I did not want to prolong this feeling anymore than the complaints it had. For what seemed an eternity, I sat and tried to breathe through this crippling dis-ease. I touched my Mala's for comfort. I began to chant inside my head but my voice was stifled quickly, I cried harder. People's voices coming and going around me in swells of oceanic droning.The more the sounds hit my ears,  the more panic ensued. The more the panic, the less I felt like I would survive this trip. 
 My traveling partner handed me scrabble. He gave me shit lettering, nice. This type of thinking is perfect for me. I can focus on something other than my malaise for a moment. A moment turned into a few minuets. A few bled through to the whole ride home. I didn't notice the noise was gone. Didn't notice the hum disappeared.I did notice the," See what I just did", look on my traveling partners face when I was completely engaged in the game.Nicely done. We arrived at our bus destination in the freezing cold wind. Every whisper was more biting than before and every slight wisp of wind on the face took more heat from my body.

"Get on the bus quickly".

Once we were settled on the bus. There was a different noise, pleasant. Different people, softened. The driver was happy to be getting off work soon, grounded. The ride home wasn't what I thought it would feel like and my panic revealed little to no help in finding out how it arrived, didn't matter. It happened. It didn't last long. I was fine. My traveling partner was fine. I live to experience another day. Not all that happened that night was terrible, yet I couldn't help but wonder...how long did I hold onto those things for them to explode? How will I take care of myself from here on out? What can I do to release this...thing? Kickboxing! Closer and closer to an answer for a lost question. Another time perhaps?