Busted Buddhist

This journey began a long time ago when I discovered there was a problem with me on the inside.

While getting ready for work with my then husband, I suddenly could not get myself to walk out the door to go to work. I panicked. I could not physically make myself go to the door. The sight of it made my heart jump out of my chest and run for cover. Thought it was because I drank way too much the night before. Thought it would go away if I gave myself a moment to breathe, thought and thought and thought and fucking thought while standing, crying in front of my bedroom door not moving. I had to pee. I couldn't make myself touch the door knob so  I could go pee, fuck! This was the first wave of depression and a flicker of panic attacks with anxiety on a slight to moderate scale until much later.

I began to spend a bit of time away from the things I use to enjoy. Slowly over time, I drank more. I complained more often. I hated the things I use to love. I cursed at everyone who didn't feel like me, think like me, act like me. I made my,then, husband crazy. I drove myself crazy. I fell out of love with myself and all things love. I was lost.

Believing I needed to change the "people" I hung around, I enrolled into school. Massage was more of the same on a different scale. People were blind to much of the world spouting ignorance as gospel. Charging one another for energy exchanges on an epic spiritual level delivering squat. Using their storefront knowledge to take advantage of someones who were looking for a better way without fresh goggles. "Discovering your inner Goddess through the legs of another human who claims that's the only way to enlightenment". Stress. Stomach issues. Groups of friends dying (round #1) and distance from my former loving self more and more. Holding onto spirituality because religion doesn't fit my life model, I trusted that the "Universe" will show me the way, like all my hippy friends suggest it will. If she showed me anything it was a mirror so black I couldn't see the truth. Not knowing this was my truth. I kept hope alive that I too, some day, will be granted the enlightenment I deserved.

-Urbanbuddhistintraining